I am giving away some stickers and buttons! All you have to do to enter is:
1) Be awesome. Perhaps bust a move
2a) Leave a comment on this place naming one thing that is tall and red.
2b) Tweet at me @misslatejuly and name on thing that is tall and red.
3) Continue to be awesome. Bust a move, perhaps grapvine?
There are no wrong or right answers - feel free to get creative! Make sure you leave contact info so I can get a hold of you if you win. Winners will be picked next week.
Don't forget we are getting down to the wire with the fundraising! $10 goes a long way and will get you cool stuff!
I was talking to my friend L. and I'm at that age where people of my 'generation' are striking a point where their lives are really taking shape. Hitting stride with their career, reaching good health, buying their first place, finding real love, getting married, having kids...
None of that is happening to me. I've always been a late bloomer, and generally a late person (a la Late July) and I've never let it bother me. But as I stride through my 20's, I gotta say, some of that would be nice. I wish I had descent answers for why I'm on such a different path. But I don't. Some people partied away their teens and twenties, others caught under some cloud of disillusionment. I can't say either of those apply to me. I know 'everything happens for a reason' but for Pete's sake, everything can't have a reason can it? Maybe I'll be proven wrong and all the confusing things that happen to me, will somehow make sense. I can't be sure.
There are times in my head I go over and over again who I am, what I'm about, what I've done and what I intend to do. I make this list and it frustrates me why none of who I am adds up to anything I want. It makes you feel, kind of broken?
While I'm certain I'm not the only one to go through this, it's got a girl feeling empty these days. So I turn to the theory that there's more to be done and someone, somewhere, God, universe, the mighty HuHu, they've just got higher expectations for me. Tonight I'm not okay with that; tonight that makes me angry and want to sue the universe. But maybe like Jobs, I just need to put a ding in the universe.
Once I've got the wrinkles out of my apron, I need to make some changes. I need to start by putting some good back into the universe, even if I think I'm some awful, broken, misguided person sometimes. Maybe somewhere, somehow I can help - make things better. Having purpose in times when there doesn't seem much purpose, is well... important.
After watching this little video tonight, I think it just goes to show that people who have purpose do more, no matter what.
Sometimes we just have to put the pieces back together and realize nothing was ever broken in the first place, just rearranged.
Have you ever had an unexpected conversation with someone where you felt, almost physically lighter after? I have.
After a routine visit to the vet for Charlie's shots and AHE (Annual health exam) I ran into a vet that I've only met a couple times. He remember me and the work I've done in the community with dogs, and also my music.
What was supposed to be a 5 minute exam + shots, turned into an hour conversation about society, medicine, animal welfare, human cognitive behaviour and how we know what we know. The topics of loss, recovery, ethics, and starting over came up a lot.
Sometimes the only person who can make you feel better about situations in your life is.. not your vet, but yourself. I think it's a matter of someone knowing your situation and telling you what you already know back, with maybe some observations you haven't yet denoted yourself. Hearing yourself back is important but can be difficult. Other times, it just makes things sound right.
I definitely feel silly doing what I do. Blogging, music, videos - it all feels really silly sometimes. I write some of my inner most feelings, turn them into music and play them for thousands off people via record. I go up on stage in front of people I don't know, and do the same. I blog everyday about personal experiences and feelings. I post pictures of myself, not all flattering, videos where I look like a total idiot... my continual need to make myself vulnerable for artistic and creative merit astounds me sometimes. Because I don't really think of it when I'm doing it.
Long past, are the days where I thought "Oh my goodness, who is going to see this? what will they think?" or "Everyone is going to think I'm an idiot, self absorbed loser"; and so forth and so on. I kind of don't think anymore about these things. I just do. And while I'm sure there are people out there who think I'm nutty, narcissistic, pandering, artist... I think I can say there are others out there who think the opposite; or at least somewhere in the middle of that.
We're all chasing shadows. Shadows of how we want to feel, how we want to be seen, and who we want to be. And sure, there are times when you catch your breath and go: "why am I chasing this again?" I had that moment in the bathroom before a show, after a long couple of days weeks. But then you realize that whatever it is, you must really love it. And I do. It's just not always as easy as we hoped, putting one foot in front of the other and standing where you need to stand.
I don't always feel the way people see me and I'm sure I don't always see myself the way that people feel me. But, I have to keep going, right? Anything in this world worth fighting for... is and must continue to be, a good fight.
And while I am raising money for what is promising to be my best record yet - it's kind of an evaluation. Do people care enough to support and donate? Do they believe in me enough to say that I'm worth the time and money. It's a next step in the process and I remind myself it doesn't necessarily reflect how people value you, money is just one value system in our society. But hey. It can't hurt. So I put myself out there. Day after day, hoping for, what everyone hopes for: the universe to listen.
Making the decision not to write is almost always the wrong decision.
Decisions in life are sometimes made for you.
The best thing is sometimes not always the right thing to do. And as a light dusting of snow seems to settle over things, I remind myself that there is spring. I think of feelings, not things, but feelings that make me happy. Like the feeling you get when the weather turns warm - it's not where you are it's how you feel.
I learned long ago that people don't remember what you did, but how you made them feel. In order to be good at that you have to be able to recognize the effects of your actions.
When action does not match intention, chaos ensues. I keep reminding myself that. Do my actions match my intentions? Did I know what my intentions were in the first place?
I keep going.
The things you stick with, you love. The things that stuck with you, they love. And so forth and so on. I've given up on my rules and regulations. I remember when I knew everything. I realize now that time doesn't exist.
When what's set before you is a snow covered path, you realize it's more fun to make prints then to let it melt and fade. The prints won't last, but impermanence is life's greatest joke.
Cause that's what it's all about. Like the hokey pokey or something.
The winter rolls on in it's usual, unstable Canadian meteorological way. Traipsing footprints through the snow, realizing the wind can make a pretty storm into an ugly one.
But I've got plans.
They haven't quite come together, and I'm being gentle with that. If you force something too much, things get tired quickly but if you pace it out, you just might get what you asked for, and that's a good thing right?
My sense of optimism is a little faded but relatively in tact. It's anyone's game, and peoples luck change, for better or worse, everyday. I understand this and respect the law of 'anything'. We can't always be the people we'd hoped we be. But you have to question for a moment if you even really knew the person you wanted to be in the first place.
We just evolve, constantly, those things about us vaguely staying the same as we get older. We're human. We adapt. We're flexible on a lot of things, if not most. We make pardons. We seek forgiveness. We start over.
Human, Human, Human.
I can't make things in my life right all the time. If I can't make it right then it wasn't going to work in the first place. Or something like that. I respect my efforts and I respect the results. Kind of. Sort of. It takes some time to accept things the way they are. The way it is.
People can come into your life, change it, then disappear. People can come into your life, not change it, and stick around for ever. And if you're lucky, well all of the above will happen and some will change you, but realize that you will change some as well - likely the ones who seem like sitting ducks in a well. You change people, you affect them - if you don't believe me, then you're likely questioning if you ever existed. And trust me, you do... did.. whatever.
Life is moving at a rapid pace, can you feel it? Are you happy? Are you passing through time the way you'd hoped? Can you change it, would you want to... it's late and I'm asking questions that the sanest of people would never have the answer to.
Last night I did a fun acoustic show at The Drake Hotel in Toronto. Yes, yes I did. And I had a lot of wonderful people show to support and hear some of my new tunes.
It's always cool to come home, check your twitter feed and see the videos and pictures people posted. So I thought I'd show you what people posted, from their different perspectives. And not to mention the little snippet of a new track that Martin took via video.
It was a really fun show, I say really weird stuff when I'm on stage.. and not on stage - so I guess that's not a surprise? I did a cover of this track, that was super fun. Not to mention the amazing Dan Dwoskin who opened and Kyle Duffin that closed the night. The great guitarist accompanying me was the one and only @bretgs
Someone asked me a question I get asked a lot. So tonight I gave them a very honest answer. It felt weird, no round about way of saying one thing or another - just being straight up.
I can think back to many situations in the past year where I wish I had just straight up asked what I wanted to know from the beginning and then I wonder if things would have gone better. Not that things in my life are terrible, but we tend to waste a lot of time wondering, going through situations trying to find an answer that we just could have easily been told at the get go.
My newest of personal rules involves what I talk about. If I need to talk to a friend or multiple friends about a specific situation involving a person, friendship, relationship or otherwise - then I probably should be talking to the person that the situation involves, and not other people who have nothing to do with the situation. Makes sense? For if you let those situations go on too long, at some point you're left with the decision of never really knowing.
All of the above would have saved me so much time, in so many situations. Maybe we just baby our egos, but perhaps we just need to rip off the band aid and see what's what.
Have you ever wanted something long enough that at some point in the middle of it all you forget why you wanted it in the first place?
We are all different at different times in our lives. We change. Sometimes we see it happen, or sometimes we just wake up and we're different. We didn't see it happen. It's hard to tell the times what exactly that change is. Sometimes change is permanent, sometimes it's temporary. You won't know until you go through it all. That's the tricky part.
One of my favorite sayings is When you're walking in the right direction, all you have to do is keep walking. How will you know if the sun is just getting in your eyes OR that you're dying of severe dehydration? You don't. You kind of just have to go with it. I think the next time I start into something, work, art, play, relationship, whatever - at the beginning when I'm all gung-ho I'm going to make a list of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I highly advise this. For that point when you're in the middle of the road and the sun is in your eyes and you think you're going in the right direction but you're so tired you just aren't sure. Refer back to that list.
And, in the off chance you were never motivated to make that list in the first place - chances are you need to make a u-ey.
Recently a couple of my guy friends have been trying their best to cheer me, bring a bit of sunshine in my life. Like this guy above. His idea of a good time is running around crazy after a bath, nuzzling me and licking my nose and then always bringing me a bone. I'm not to do anything but look at it appreciate it and in his words "GIVE IT BACK NOW. BYE". Then I don't see him again for the rest of the night.
Fine.
It's funny that I don't remember having a good time out at all this fall. Every time I try to go out and have fun it ends in some unnecessary way. Like the Nuit Blanche disaster, or the New Years that never was. I mean granted I don't drink, I know I could still go out and have fun. I KNOW I can. I guess I never go out with the right people.
The last two years I have made some attempts to go out dancing. I love to dance,, er, in my living room but even on my birthday plans got busted when I couldn't go out to dance post dinner due to some other peoples alternate arrangements. But I kept trying and while I got to do a little dancing, once at Cherry Cola's and once again this fall at The Supermarket, I would say I didn't have an awesome time and I'm not sure why.
Maybe I'm just not one of those people who are meant to go out and have fun. Maybe it's because I don't drink. Maybe it's because people around me are not comfortable because I don't drink. I'm sick of not having any fun. One of my friends calls me 'anti-fun'. Which sucks. I stay in, I write songs, I work on my music, make a record, try to fight the good fight. But I can have fun. I SWEAR IT. I don't even knit. C'mon.
I think I need a 'fun' leader, someone who can take me out and show me a good time - could this be the year where I can proudly tweet AND/OR facebook status "had an amazing night!!!" and then post a small but cheerful set of 'we had so much fun tonight' photos. Will that happen? WILL THAT BE ME? It's never been me. But I'm going to keep trying darn it. It didn't happen last year. I never got to go out anywhere looking back but it wasn't always my fault.
But some time. This year. It will happen. You wait for that social media status of what an amazing night I had, and how awesome brunch the next day will be. It will happen folks. It. Will. Happen. Or better yet it'll be SO amazing that I'll be too happy and tired to even pick up my phone. How do you like THEM apples?
I think I just need a cheer up partner or two. Someone with a plan to stick it to the party pooper man.
Otherwise, I'll just have to learn to run around like a crazy person, nuzzle myself and pick up dog bone.
Such is life.
I think there are people that unknowingly hear this song when they think of me. I just KNOW it.
Ex-California Girl. Tepid Torontonian. Dog rescuer. Lover of records and words. This is the ongoing narrative of songwriter/renaissance girl Nicole Simone, better known as Late July.
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