My last post of 2011: I am in love with your face

2011 is about to come to a swift close momentarily.  As the year changes around the world, I sit here in my own little world. There is a beautiful view from my window.  You can see the CN Tower all lit up in different colors and there's a dampness over the city that is making it shine and sparkle just enough to believe in New Years magic.

While I look back on this year, and I have had the time to reflect - it seems this year was about getting on my feet.  I think I did well. I think I needed help.  I think I knew when to ask for help. And I think that sometimes we don't get to pick and choose who helps us.

This was a 'lost' year.  A lot of learning and being bounced around.  I couldn't seem to stay in one place this year.  And that's okay.  I crave a bit more salt than sugar now.  I like to be closer to the party then just outside of it.  My biggest regrets this year was not setting goals for myself.  I always had an excuse about being unstable and not being able to get there.  Goals aren't purely for attaining.  Goals give us direction.  Goals don't always the end we want, but that doesn't always mean we won't end up with something better.  That's the beauty of life. And the horror. Unpredictability.

But it's one foot in front of the other.  I couldn't tell you what next year will be like for me.  But I'm writing down goals.  Not New Years resolutions, goals, for me.  Things I want, things I need. They are not far off.  I wish I could make them simple like "Don't get hurt by anyone" "Don't get sick" "Don't fail" - simple goals right? Ha.  That's a life not worth living, I say.

When I think of 2011 the song below sticks out the most to me.  I think I listened to this song over and over in August and September. It's like a big warm blanket of 2011 when I listen to it.

If people can't meet you half way, it's better to let go.  But letting go doesn't always mean disappearing.  It just means letting go of specific expectations and redefining responsibilities.

So 2011. I am letting you go.. you were a colorful year full of adventure and good stories.  I hope 2012 is like you but a bit brighter in the corners, ya know?  A little more happy, and a little less sappy. Show a bit more shoulder, smile, and when you conclude make a little more sense.  No one likes a year that mumbles when it talks.

And to you dear universe, it's game on darling.

Play through!

We can't go through this again

Take a good look at the picture above there - you see that? That's me. Sort of.

As you can see over the past year and a half I've posted quite a few photos of myself.  But I won't lie and say it was all pandering.  As a teenager I couldn't stand having my picture taken or looking in the mirror. Yup. Low self-esteem city.  If someone pointed out something.. like let's say ask to 'shine my forehead for a nickel' or something like that I would melt.

Now that I'm older, wiser, and.. er.. older.  I could care less when people attack the way I look.  

My forehead is too big.

My nostrils are a little long

My nose is short.

My gum to tooth ratio is off.

My eyes are too big.

My ears are small and stick out.

My teeth are crooked.

I'm short

Blah blah blah.

I think there comes a point in your life where you just don't care.  It's awesome. I highly recommend it.  I actually enjoy pointing out my flaws.  I find them hilarious and quirky.  It's what makes me, me. 

I know I'll never be the prettiest girl in the world, but I also know I'll never be the ugliest. And it doesn't really matter.

Now affront me on my personality and emotions therein... you got yourself a battle.  In fact, I was arguing with my family over Christmas, stubbornly, about how I am not stubborn. Turns out. I am.  

I can't answer personal questions anymore.  I know that I seem, and can be, very personal when I write, perform, talk etc.  But I just can't handle personal inquisition right now.  Because sometimes those questions just have to come from yourself and to hear them come from other people, makes my stomach turn a little bit.  I'll answer what I can to appease inquiring minds, but really I'm not there yet like I am with the above.  I can write all kinds of nasty truths about my physical appearance, but ask me to do the same about my personality... and I'll get twitchy. And over think things.

And that's okay. Personal growth they call it. Shedding skin. Spreading wings. Spreading margarine. Or something to that effect. 

So point out your flaws, the ones you can. I'm at least happy I'm okay with some of what used to bug me.  Let's talk in another ten years, and maybe I can tell you all the horrible things about myself then.  For now, THEY'RE MINE!

No one has the right to judge the way another human being suffers

Leonard Cohen once said "No one has the right to judge the way another human being suffers; whether it be alcohol or cancer..." And you know what he's right.

If people will not show up in your life, they need to realize good intentions won't carry them the rest of the way. To help yourself in this life, you need to reach out to the right people. It's hard to always know who to reach out to and when, but the answer is usually pretty simple.

Earlier this month when I was in the hospital I got all sorts of messages from people; they'd say they'd come visit me in the hospital, send flowers, do something amazing etc. None of that happened of course because when you're in the hospital you're usually in a pretty dire situation, likely drugged out of your mind and if the stay is not longer than 5 days or so the kicker is when you get out.

People leave you with stipulations like "If you ever need to go to the hospital, I'll be there" The real friend will say "If you're just not feeling yourself, let me know I'll come over and we can watch a stupid movie or I can cook you dinner, do your dishes, hoolah hoop.. or err. something" Therein lies the good friend. If I need to go to the hospital.. I can call an ambulance.

 It's the times where you're laid up on bed rest, bored and lonely out of your mind, you wish you had someone who would go out of your way to make you smile and you know, actually show up in person; and never stipulate that you have to go to them.  Friendship should never be a one way street. No pun intended.

This came up in a conversation an old friend and I had. He felt that he didn't have anyone in his life (he lives afar) that would do the same for him as he would for them. He said that one time he took a bus to bring a friend some Gatorade because they were having a bad flu. I've done similar stuff, going out of my way for someone, not because it was a dire situation, no one was dying, no building was on fire... but because I knew that put in their position I'd sincerely appreciate the extra hand.

I try to extend that extra hand to friends in hard times. Whether it's depression, cancer, the flu or a bad break up, I try and consider myself a serious friend. Show up, step up, be there. I think I run into a number of people who lack a sense of empathy. The whole "I'll be there if I have to... but it's an inconvenience to my everyday life, so please don't ask me more than once".

There is nothing more brutal than being in rough shape, for whatever reason, and getting the courage to reach out to someone to get "Look I'm really busy, I'll help you if I have to but I don't really want to". I just don't get how some people can be so outright like that and lose empathy. Why can't they just say "I'm not sure I can swing that but... [insert strategy here]" It boggles my mind how poorly some people handle sensitive situations, and while sometimes that's me, I try to think outside myself.

Empathy.

 Let's be a bit more human to each other shall we? What might be no problem for you, could be a mountain for another person. We all handle life's difficulties in one way or another. We all have different weak spots and different strong spots. To those who believe 'tough it out, walk it off' is the best motto - be aware that's the quickest way to let things get out of control and to become an unreasonable burden upon others.

So back to that friend... even though he knows that the people in his life would never go as far out of their way for him, as he would (does) for them - he wouldn't change. I'm on the same mindset. Empathy is a gift. Don't let it be a burden.

Reach out when you need help. And reach out when you see someone need help - in whatever way seems possible to you.  They may not want it but the winter here. It is long, cold and brutal. Don't let it affect your ability to be kind. Put yourself in someone else's shoes, because you never know when you might get the rug pulled from beneath you.

We don't need anymore people falling through the cracks of an already big and difficult world to be in.

Night.

Let's do this thang.. and be adorable

Have you seen this?

If you want to get the exclusive video blogs, including two new acoustic version of the tracks on the new album, head over to www.indiegogo.com/latejuly and donate $10 or more and you shall see all sorts of fun stuff, and hear the new tunes before anyone else does!

I have a big meeting with my partner in crime Adrian Ellis tomorrow.  The sooner I raise the money the sooner I can see all this come to fruition.  There's lots of tricks up my sleeve this time and I'm interested to see how it's going to sound.  I suspect something different than what you heard but still the latest of July's. Ya dig? I dig.

Let's do this thang.. and be adorable. Always be adorable folks.

I'm going to love you, 'til the day that I'm born

Christmas happened.  It was nice.  Got more than I should have, including a Roomba vacuum cleaner.  Which makes me feel better about Charlie, I worry with his allergies that vacuuming a couple times a week isn't enough, now I don't have to worry anymore.  Except he'll hate the vacuum. He'll live.  We named her Rosie.  Just like the jetsons! 

Winding down the year, hoping to get things just right in New Year - not that I'm a perfectionist.  My life has definitly been lacking it's usual awkward charm and grace.  All my crazy stories have had a blue line through them.  I'd like that to change.  I feel like my life is a little empty at the moment. No busy job.  No bizarro boys or wacky living situation.  I should be happier about all this. I know it's a good thing.  But maybe I'm not as happy as I thought I would be about how the way things turned out. Maybe I'm just in the process of a turning a corner, and have no idea what's about to hit next.

There is a lack of fun in the past couple of months.  A definite fade of adventure.  I've taken a major hit of laughter.  I can't even think of anything fun to do.  I hate that feeling, when you know you don't feel well about something but have no idea how to make it better and no one there to even try to cheer you up or make it right.  On the flip side the only thing that does make me feel better, is trying to cheer someone up.  Backwards isn't it?  But I love solving 'the sadness', just not always my own.  Probably because one is in fact the loneliest number.  

Then I turn it around and accuse myself of not working hard enough on my job, on my health, on my music, and how dare I think of having a fun night out.  But maybe I just want to go bowling. Or go to an indoor carousel.  Or a horse race.  Or maybe I just want to shoot pool and laugh at how horrible I am.  Really.  I'm just trying to get into the work hard, play hard motto. You know without all the inglorious binge drinking and shenanigans. 

Sometimes we have to work hard to learn how to have fun.  I think that's where I'm at.  And I'm hoping to meet some people that are of the same adventuring mindset.  There's always next year, and that, thank blog, is almost here.

Hey guys, it's Christmas time

Well... we don't have much to say.

But Charlie and I wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Do you think we kind of look a like? I think it's in the eyes...  I digress.  Here is a little video blog of conversations Charlie and I have. I swear he doesn't shut me down ALL the time.  See below. He's looking for santa. Despite Charlie's stubbron nature, I can assure you, he makes the good boy list this year. Maybe even, the best.

All the things we should've done that we never did.

Entering the last week of 2011 and I haven't been able to sleep.  The last several weeks have been tumultuous at best, hindered with a bit of resolve.  I guess that's okay, there's not much to make of some situations when they've run their course.

When I think back on this year passing, I think I refer to it as 'the lost year'.  I lived in several different places, worked in a similar of jobs, and all the people that I thought were important in my life are no longer even a regular thought or memory.

Living is like grabbing at sand.  It slips away, but there's always a few unexpected granules that kick around.  Those, no matter how small, are the ones that can't.

I have lots of fond memories of 2011, but it seemed like this year was filled with constant, sometimes violent change.  Casual friends like to comment that I'm always, moving, new job.. they make me think of myself like some gypsy; but I know I'm not.

I have constants in my life, things I never shy away from.  If you know me you know I love my dog. He's kind of like a combo of  a best friend, a dog, and an ewok/piglet. He came into my life on December 31st (for a second time) and hasn't left my side since. CONSTANT.

Those of you who know me know that I'm not a wishy washy type of artist.  I certainly struggle to figure things out sometimes but I never think of throwing in the towel, regardless of how little success I've had.  It's in me. The choice is not a choice. I love it. If I'm not writing, I'm lurking others records.  If I'm not doing that I'm looking to collaborate. CONSTANT.

My sense of adventure knows no bounds.  I will always take the road less travelled. I will always show up if it's going to result in a good story.  Experience is everything in life. So I will adventure on. CONSTANT.

 Boom. Three constants. There ya have it.  So what if I don't have the 9-5 bolted down, or if I moved around a lot, or that I don't have a SO.  Those things happen in time, and what can I say, I've always been late to the recents, but fast to catch up and supersede. 

I told my cousin that I think I've been put on the naughty list this year.  She disagreed and said I've just been hanging around people on said list.  You are what company you keep...

I definitely feel a little wiser than I did last year.  A little more confident, though I claim to know less.  I'm learning what a good adventure is and what plan trouble is.  Not always an easy thing to decipher.  But I have my constants. I'm just a girl, who loves her dog, music and adventure resulting in great stories.

So be it. 

That's me.  

Take me out tonight.

So I'm sitting here eating mashed potatoes and listening to a bunch of Smiths covers, when I look over and notice that I'm being watched.  Oddly a good feeling, because it's @charlesspeaks and he's all snug in his bed, just watching me, what looks like quite lovingly.  This went on for about a half hour then he climbed out his bed and hopped on my lap for snuggles.  Does it get any cuter? I think not.

The holiday season reminds me of lots of things. It's always kind of been the same.  Being "older" (a term I use loosely; we're all old unless we're young) and single makes the holidays less fun.  I was saying to a friend that kids are what make the holidays. I don't have any nieces or nephews or cousins, so the holidays have kind of become this long car ride of 'are we there yet? I gotta pee'. Or something like that.  I have to remind myself that we go through states of transitions, families grow, change, regrow and all sorts of stuff.  My personal life is at a cold stand still.  You want to blame yourself, you want to blame other people, but really it is the way it is because.. that's just the way it is.  The universe is all up in my face recently saying "No, not now. Later" and I'm all up in the universe's business, but the universe wins.

My life can seem absurd and 'WTF' sometimes.  I'm used to it. I wouldn't change it.  I live in fear of getting bored.  I live in hopes of being entertained. Put those two together and well, you got yourself a very interesting karma. I think back to when my Nonna was my age, and realize she was raising a family in Nazi occupied Sicily, living in poverty, her brother dying, her father shot, with no end to the war in sight... and then I look at my life and I think "Nope. Not so much."   My life is absurd compared to hers. Ridiculous. But that being said, I'm still determined to do something brilliant with it.

I will not turn into a lump of lard and complacency.
I will keep people in my life who will do things to prevent this.
I will find people that make me happy and make them stay.
I will find people I make happy and they will make me stay.
I will make a difference in the best possible ways I know how.
I will eat cake.
We will eat cake.

I thought today, it's hard to know that people still care but never quite enough to make things right.  Then I promised myself if I still care, I will care all the way - and make things as right as they'll ever be.  Because I'm not one of those people.  I hope you aren't either.

Kippis! Kippis!

Day 2 - $1091 of $8000 goal - 14% the way there!

Why a little support goes a long way.

December has been a difficult month for a variety of reasons but I want to start the new year out on the right foot, and sometimes the only foot I have is... music. 

A lot has changed since I sat in front of my computer in April 2009 and decided to go all chips in and make a record.  But I did. I remember collecting loose change, whatever I could to put it in a jar so I could make my vision happen.

It worked.

Two years later things have turned out better than I imagined and I want to keep going.  In order to do that I have to look outside of myself, something that can be difficult to do.  Tonight I launched my first fundraising campaign.  My goal is $8000 and to reach it before my birthday in March.  

I have the songs mapped out, and the vision finally came together.  I'm ready to go and make a really great memorable record.

If you know me I give away my music for free, I'll guest list any one who asks at shows and I'm not good at passing around a hat.  I appreciate the interest people share in my music and the people that are involved.  It brings me great joy to hear that someone was listening to my music, watching a music video, or really liked something I wrote.  It's amazing.  Something I never imagined.

I'm getting creative though, everything from T-shirts, buttons, cake and more. I promise if you donate I will make it worth your while.

Within an hour of reaching out I've raised close to $800. I'm literally almost in tears because as an artist you don't think people care. You don't think people appreciate.  You just don't think sometimes. And to know that my music is valuable enough to support the way people have been.  Well it blows me away.

Thanks to those who already donated and making an indie girls dream come true.

To donate visit: http://www.indiegogo.com/latejuly

Loving Strangers

So I'm just sitting around with Charlie, talking about what we're going to do on a Saturday night

Charlie: Let's eat soup. PIZZA soup.

Me: I have no pizza soup.

Charlie: Let's go to a party.

Me: I can do that.

So off to a party we went, to the amazing @nympsam party.  She is indeed the hostess with the most-ess.  And a pretty sweet new hair cut.  She had lovely cookies and cheery guests and a pretty Christmas tree. 

 But we couldn't stay.  

Me: Please do not fart in the car

Charlie: I can not make promises

Back into our car we went north.  Charlie cut the cheese somewhere along the way and windows were rolled down. Gross.

When we got to my parents house, Charlie's cousins Roxie & Abby were there.  They yelled at Charlie for being a dog, which is weird because they are dogs too and I think they have some type of self loathing thing going on, even for poodles but I had no time to waste. Charlie took their bones and told me he had to stay to teach them how to love themselves..  He told me he was done with partying and that I should go.  So I did.

This Santa fella arrived.  I met him earlier in the day and he had a thick Irish accent.  But at this party he tried to fool me with his Italian accent.  Santa stop stalking me. I know your secret.

I met this guy.  He talked my ear off. It was MOSTLY about dinosaurs, bragged about some big 'third' birthday party he had, talked a LITTLE bit about the construction company he runs (so what, you have THREE dump trucks. Big F deal.), and then took the chocolate I brought and left.  Didn't even ask me MY NAME.  Typical men. Don't let the sweater vest woo you.  He's in it for the chocolate. 

And that's my night :) KAPOW.

I think that's what art is: Placing the unplaceable.

Pst.. did you hear that?

I have no idea who I am trying to be.  I know I have artists who I look up to but no one that I can say "I want to be just like..."  I think it's difficult when you don't know what you're striving for.  There's a beauty in striving to be like someone else, who you consider greater than yourself, and then you turn out nothing like them, just something awesome, unique and yourself.  It worries me that I feel like I'm like inspiration and role models.  Am I full of myself? Do I think I know everything? No. None of that here.  I'm not sure why I'm so disinterested in other artsits. Heck I don't even hang out or connect with a lot of musicians anymore.  I find that a little bizarre, as I usually love musicians, they are my people.  Except it doesn't feel that way anymore.

I think for my me music isn't a lifestyle, it's a reflex.  I was scanning through songs I've written recently, some just chicken scratch demos other songs that will go on to the next record.  I put very little thought into the writing of the songs, yet I am happy with them.  I have friends who spend a lot of time carefully crafting melody, structure and words.  These are talented people and I am always in awe of their patience and craft.  But I am not one of those people.

I only pick up the guitar when I want to write or if I am performing.  Otherwise, I have no interest in it.  So my doubt as a musician is true, because I'm a writer and music is my conduit.  I love doing what I do with Late July.  I'm learning a lot about myself as an artist.  I consider myself the curator or conductor of Late July.  I put things into motion and see it through.  I'm the captain of this ship but I like to think I'm articulate enough to know not to spread my efforts thin.

But back to the writing part, it really just happens.  You'll hear other artists talking about a creative spirit or force moving through them, and it's true. It just hits, all this beautiful junk falls out of us, whether it be through a guitar, a paint brush, a spray can, our hands.. it just happens. It hits and if we are prepared we catch it and do what good with it we want.

I just sit down and all these songs emerge.  It sounds really pretentious I know.  But I don't do it often, and I guess it all just builds up.  It doesn't mean all this junk is beautiful, good, or re-hashable.  All I can tell you is the type of artist I am now.  I'm in this and after it for my own heart.  I'm often just writing to get things out.  It's like that line from Magnolia, post frog apocalypse: "I have all this love, I just don't know where to put it."  It's kind of like that.

Music is my way of placing things that can't be placed.

I think that's what art is:  Placing the unplaceable.

All those lost pieces, they usually end up to be the most significant ones.
So I'm going to keep doing that.
One piece at a time.

Roger that.
Record #3 anyone?

Can you teach me how to dance?

Sometimes I like to wear dog accessories. Like this here top hat. It's top hat-eriffic.

This isn't a recent photo. It's from the summer.  I could really use a party. Maybe with fancy dresses, and top hats, and Group of Seven paintings. I'm not sure.

I'm back in the city after my wild adventures.  It literally feels like I just got off a really long flight.  You know, feeling blah, tired, but not tired enough to sleep.  That's where I'm at.  My mother cleaned and organized my apartment for me.  It feels great to be in a fresh space again, all shiny and new.  If you've been through something traumatic, it's nice to have everything magically put back together.

There have been no holiday parties for me this year.  I seemed to have missed out on everything.  I like to think this happened for a reason.  Last year was full of parties and hilarity.  This year, I have to say, it's pretty somber.

I think the universe is saying, "Now is not the time for party hats and fancy dresses".  And you know what universe? That's cool. I'm ok with that.  Keep my head down, do my thing.  I'm looking for a really great job, one that will nurture and challenge me.  I'm working on a really great record, one that I can add to my legacy.

I mean how cool is it when I'm a little old lady, I can say without teeth "Honeth, whenth I wasth your ageth I made recordths" And then show them how 'pretty' I was and look at them not believing this wrinkly old woman was once, me.

I was thinking how there is a difference between evolving and changing course.  I keep trying to change course, rather than grow and evolve.  Changing course is good, sometimes, but most of the time, it just lands you back at start. I don't want to go back to start. I've done a lot.  So I'm going to keep on keepin' on.  Do what I do, cause I'm beginning to think I do it well.

So what, no one is taking me out dancing, staying out until 4am, living adventures...  I'm not bitter. Ok. Only a little bit.  But there's still time for wild nights in the city, there's just gotta be.

I would like some shortbread though before Christmas and those peanubutter cookies with chocolate in them. And maybe a top hat I can wear around the house.  BUT ONLY AROUND THE HOUSE. That's cool universe. Be cool.

Ain't no thang.

Meet me at the hospital

You know there's a reason I have a record called Hospital Quiet, right? Right.

Well last week, I called my mom over and she found me on the bathroom floor in all sorts of colors of pain.  Decidedly unable to move me, she called 911 and the ambulance folk arrived at my door.

Now I'm not one to criticize public services, but for whatever reason they couldn't bring a stretcher to my door, so they made me walk. And by make me walk, I mean they dragged me like a scare crow to the ambulance.  Which would be kind of humiliating if I didn't black out several times via pain on the way there and manage to vomit in front of concierge.

1 IV, 2 IV, 3 IV more..

What I do remember is waking up with my feet dragging the ground, people yelling my name, entering the ambulance and puking sparkles. Yes sparkles. The EMT looked at me and yelled WHAT DID YOU EAT?

It turns out that I expel puke in style.  I could start my own line "Going to be sick tonight? Get sick in fashion - sparkle puke!".  But actually if you ever take ginger Gravol, when you digest it turns into gold sparkles. I had no idea but it kind of made me smile despite the debilitating pain and sickness.

From then on the next couple days were a blur of pain, drugs and swearing off both food, eye contact, walking, smiling and sitting up straight.  However here's 'the best of' what I remember:

-Being pushed around in a wheel chair singing Ducksauce's "Big Bad Wolf"
-Peach juice. I haven't had it in years but dear God, I NEEDED IT NOW
-When I yell "I have to go to the bathroom!" and black out, I really don't have to go to the bathroom
-A doctor referring to me as 'the mysterious' patient
-Making note not to listen to The National's "Terrible Love" over and over in the ER. It's just sad.
-Don't try to respond to texts. Trying to maintain any type of continuity and telling people you're OK when you're not ok and can't make sense, really just worries them
-Over thanking the nurses. Asking if they accept tips.
-Passing a verbal biology exam on the human digestive system from one doctor
-When someone blacks out if you rub their chest (unless they are dead or in a coma) they'll wake up darn skippy quick
-If you're really sick and being taken back to the ambulance in a SUV listening to Elvis "Blue Christmas" will make you feel like you're in a John Waters film
-I can take pictures, tweet and Facebook from the back of a speeding ambulance
-When a nurse is putting in your IV and goes "uh oh" don't look. Just don't. It's not going to be pretty.
-When I'm highly medicated I tolerate the Women's Network and it's made for TV Christmas specials just fine
-Being terribly worried that my friend R. wasn't going to get the tickets I had for The National & Bon Iver. And then wincing a lot at the thought of not being able to make it.
-Puking glitter WILL impress EMT's
-Hitting a record of over 5 IVs in a short amont of time will make your arms look like a heroine addict

-And then Louis CK tweeted at me. For real. 

Thank you very much to all my friends and family who made sure I was OK and to my mom who looked after me THANK YOU. I know I'm a B I T C H when I'm in a lot of pain and/or highly medicated - be thankful I don't drink or shoot heroine ok? She's the best. And got me peach juice. And made sure I didn't fall down a well. GO MOM. xo

                                        

            I found this on my phone. My mom had snapped it on Hipstamatic of all things? I'm not sure     why but I found it pretty funny. Thanks mom!

So there you have it.  As for what it is, we know what it is, but I like to describe it as every so often some of my organ get into a fight with each other and I have to clean up the mess. Sound good? Sound good. Go team.

We now return to our regular programming.
Please stand by.

I've been thinking of you, why'd you leave me with nothing good?

That's a lie. I got you something.  A new an improved website!  Thanks to Matt at processyellow.ca

The content is pretty minimal but I promise more fun stuff to come.

And, in lieu of todays celebration here's a Holiday track I did a little while ago of Bo Pepper's "I Haven't Got You Anything"  Enjoy!

Truth Or Dare

I'm not sure where to stand

When the ground falls through

I start to ramble on

The way you do

I don't know how to say

The things I wanted to

In the first place

So I started with a lie.

#3

They're lining up to mad dog your tilt-a-whirl

2011 hit fever pitch at around the middle of November.  Now the darkest days of the years have set in.  Work wrapped up, social life disappeared, the TV crew left, and everything has kind of folded away into a wet, cold, dank December.

Whilst exploring some of my blog which I am in the process of changing, I noticed that I've hit over 85 000 hits, not counting my own IP address.  I bet you wouldn't guess that I get on average 5000 hits a month to this little rant and ramble.  It's true.  For a blog that doesn't get comments, or passed around, it's actually very cool that I have return visitors.  So I'm taking this time to say Hey! How are ya? It's nice to know my writing has an audience. That's more than I thought I would get out of this.

I started this blog in April 2010, originally just to post about music I like, and then it spiraled into the incarnation you see today.  According to the stats, my top most visited and revisited blogposts are the following:

Now this one is the most sought out blogpost, mostly because there isn't a lot on the web about Kathleen Brennan, and maybe only 3 or 4 published pictures of Tom Waits and Kathleen.  The sentiments I wrote I feel still apply, except I feel a little bit more lost in regards to the topic than I was back then.  But I still think what Tom said here is one of the most romantic things I've ever read:

Only second to that was a blog post I did about what dress to wear.  This made me laugh.  I went with the black one and it went unappreciated by the company at hand. However  I still have the coral one and hopefully will wear it sometime this spring or somewhere warm.  What can I say? People like to give there opinion, and I'm happy to hear it most of the time.

Finally this little blog I did about hiding in coat rooms as a kid.  Charming, aren't I? Not really.  Remembering this post the crazy week just past my birthday, getting ready for my second record release.  The most visited and important people to me then are both no longer in my life at all.  Funny how we can go from best buddies to complete strangers.  People show her their true colors and sometimes they clash, and we can't have that can we?  

Life rolls on.

Thank you for reading and keep reading. I know I'm not always terribly interesting, charming, charismatic, and I can be Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy and Sober Sally all in one go.  But things are about to get better, somehow, someway... you'll see! Oh, you'll see. 

She's not coming home tonight.

Oh the stupid faces I make.

You know how they say with big risks, come big success? Well sometimes taking those risks can down right be annoying.  In the past little while I had to make a lot of decisions, pick direction GO THAT-A-WAY! type business.  Committed to staying in Toronto, and not lurking around the suburbs or fleeing to the West Coast.  I've had to decide what were good situations and bad situations, and where I wanted to be.  And at some point it feels like a whole lot of flailing, like a bird learning to fly or like a twenty something flapping her arms around her apartment going WORK DAMN YOU, WORK!  One of these analogies is more charming than the other.

It's the flailing that is the problem.  The best advice I received most recently was to write down all the things that are making me unhappy and stressing me out.  I did.  Then I was told to write beside it "ACCEPT IT". And, I did.  I stopped flailing. It made me feel better.  To accept those things I can not change, the things that hurt me the things that confuse and just admit - that's what it is.

Why did this work?  Once you accept the way things are, it's like letting the dust settle and then being able to point yourself in the direction you want to go.  Not be so emotional and critical about everything. We tend to be instinctive creatures, but our imagination can either ground us or propel us. FUN FACT: 2 million years ago the human brain was 1 1/4 pounds.  Today it is around 3 pounds.  What happened over 2 million years?  We got a frontal lobe. What did that do?  It gave us imagination.  We can envision things before it happens - so that's good right? Right.  But it can also work to our detriment.

So sometimes you just have to go back to your 2 million year old parts of your brain and think simple. Lay it out real easy.

Cause all this flailing? It rhymes with failing. And we simply can not have that. Not in this part of town.

I love my dog.
Goodnight.

It's been 7 hours and 15 days.

I had a great meeting yesterday with Adrian Ellis regarding the upcoming record.  It all seems so easy in theory, but I know as we go along there will be bumps, jumps and hiccups.

We got talking about 80s ballads. Don't ask. It got me thinking what my favorite 80s ballad is and it's a tie between Crowded House "Dont Dream It's Over" and Sinead O'Connors cover of "Nothing Compares 2 U"

What Prince wrote here, was a very pretty honest track.  Those days post break up, where you're still counting how long it's been since you saw each other, talked, texted, heard about them through a friend.  That of course means you still care.  The counting part. I've done it, it isn't pretty.  I wish there was a magical number in those instances where you know if you got to said number of days, everything will be all better.  Maybe it's 21 days or 30 days.. to quit something, to make a habit of. Something like that.

It's funny how we can live our day to day lives and carry people with us, in our memories, and some even in our hearts.  And we think about them often, without them ever knowing.  Don't you wish there was some sort of App for that? Ha. You know, you get a notification every time a specific person (at your request) thought something kind of you.  And sperate notifications for people who just think of you regularly. Is there a difference between missing somebody over just enjoying their memory? It's nice to know that through silence, there is thought.  And to be thought of is a sweet act in itself.  Almost like the idea of prayer: thoughts transcending into, not so much an action, just an intention for well being that you hope is carried over far and away.

Far and away.  There are reasons for that. There are reasons for a lot things, sometimes simple questions harbour lengthy answers and vice versa. Though arguably sometimes there just aren't reasons for our thoughts and our well wishes.  They are there, kind of superfluous but every so often necessary, peculiar, but necessary.


You count your days.
I'll count mine.
And when we both stop counting.
One before the other.
We can just say
We ran out of time.


So it goes.

Behind the scenes, behind the scenes, meta, meta, chop chop.

Oh behind the scenes...

In our little brains all sorts of crazy things happen.  I think one of the most bizarre and brilliant attributes to us humans (or are you?!) is the dream process.

While we don't remember 90% of our dreams, did you know that people who are blind both before birth or after birth still remember their dreams? We only dream what we know, so while they might be a stranger in your dreams, you likely passed them on a street corner one day.

I am a vivid dreamer.  Lately I have fallen victim to a sleeping disorder called sleep paralysis.  The best way to describe it is you wake up in the morning, and are fully conscious, however you are unable to move your entire body, not even able to open your eyes.  It's a panicking feeling, wishing someone could shake you or jolt out of it.  It really scary and very real.

As dreams continue, it's amazing the people that waltz in and out of my dreams like characters on a soap opera.  Always dancing in and out, just like in real life - but I imagine when the music stops, well, so does the waltzing.

Speaking of behind the scenes Below is a behind the scenes footage taken by Studio 407 whilst I was being filmed for a super secret awesome project.  While I can't reveal to you the project, you can watch this video of me being.. charming.. yea.. yea.. that's it. So what I twirl a lot, throw up a peace sign and bust out not one, but DOUBLE guns?

Stay tuned.  Check out the video here

Charlie's Trials & Tribulations

Above is my boy, Charlie.  He's got a whole crazy back story, and today he gave me a real good scare by having a 20 minute grand mal seizure this afternoon.  He was spooning with me on the couch giving kisses and nuzzles when he got up and started quivering. I followed him around until he froze, he had crazy eyes (you could see the whites of his eyes), he was drooling and his gums went pink.

Before I knew it he was puking everywhere.  Thinking that was the worst of it, I was wrong.  He started convulsing and had the most scared/apologetic look on his face.  Finally his limbs seized and he was trying to walk and ran into a wall fell down completely stiff but shaking.

I scooped him up in a towel, rushed downstairs with him stiff in my arms.  There was a vet clinic across the street but they had closed until January.  I brought him back inside where he was trying to walk around being like It Aint No Thang mama.  


Took him to the vet which confirmed he had a grand mal seizure.  Now I watch him - if it happens again, it's likely not a good thing. But I am pulling that it's a one off kind of thing.

The one thing I do know about Charlie, is he has had many run ins.  Being half Jack Russell and half Shih Tzu has given him the oddest of karma.   If Charlie could share some of his greatest lessons, here's what he'd tell you.


Pools In November Are Not For Swimming
(He was sniffing around a cosed pool that had been sealed but snow had melted over it, and fell in. Screamed like a little girl for an hour about how cold it was)

Bitches in Heat Be Crazy
(He tried to hump a much bigger dog in heat, who in turn, sunk her teeth into him, and had to be pried off leaving an inch long incision that was 1/4 of an inch from puncturing his organs)


Don't Let Anyone Push You Out Of A Window
(Before I got him, when he was a puppy, three dogs pushed him out of a window. He landed on his back, paralyzed for 20 minute and pooped himself. Luckily he was OK).


Don't Fall On Your Face With Your Eyes Open
(He was running in the forest, fell WITH his eyes open. Puncturing his eye, within a millimetre tearing his cornea)

Cat Food Is A Trap
(Someone left cat food on the floor after I repeatedly asked them to move it to a higher place. This resulted in him vomiting while blood shot out of his rectum.)

Don't Roll In Raccoon Poop
(Self explanatory)

Never Leave Mommy Again
(His words not mine. I swear)


He's had his wild and crazy times.  I guess today just reminded me how short these little guys lives are.  You have to make everyday amazing for them, because the happiness they bring, especially that little dude, it's not something easily found.

So whether you have a smelly dog, a stupid cat, a depressed turtle, or a glum goldfish.  Hug them a little harder for me, okay?  Thanks.