Ever had one of those conversations...

Have you ever had an unexpected conversation with someone where you felt, almost physically lighter after? I have.

After a routine visit to the vet for Charlie's shots and AHE (Annual health exam) I ran into a vet that I've only met a couple times. He remember me and the work I've done in the community with dogs, and also my music.

What was supposed to be a 5 minute exam + shots, turned into an hour conversation about society, medicine, animal welfare, human cognitive behaviour and how we know what we know. The topics of loss, recovery, ethics, and starting over came up a lot.

Sometimes the only person who can make you feel better about situations in your life is.. not your vet, but yourself.  I think it's a matter of someone knowing your situation and telling you what you already know back, with maybe some observations you haven't yet denoted yourself.   Hearing yourself back is important but can be difficult.  Other times, it just makes things sound right.

I definitely feel silly doing what I do. Blogging, music, videos - it all feels really silly sometimes.  I write some of my inner most feelings, turn them into music and play them for thousands off people via record. I go up on stage in front of people I don't know, and do the same. I blog everyday about personal experiences and feelings.  I post pictures of myself, not all flattering, videos where I look like a total idiot... my continual need to make myself vulnerable for artistic and creative merit astounds me sometimes.  Because I don't really think of it when I'm doing it.

Long past, are the days where I thought "Oh my goodness, who is going to see this? what will they think?" or "Everyone is going to think I'm an idiot, self absorbed loser"; and so forth and so on.  I kind of don't think anymore about these things. I just do.  And while I'm sure there are people out there who think I'm nutty, narcissistic, pandering, artist... I think I can say there are others out there who think the opposite; or at least somewhere in the middle of that.

We're all chasing shadows.  Shadows of how we want to feel, how we want to be seen, and who we want to be.  And sure, there are times when you catch your breath and go: "why am I chasing this again?"  I had that moment in the bathroom before a show, after a long couple of days weeks.  But then you realize that whatever it is, you must really love it.  And I do.  It's just not always as easy as we hoped, putting one foot in front of the other and standing where you need to stand.

I don't always feel the way people see me and I'm sure I don't always see myself the way that people feel me.  But, I have to keep going, right?  Anything in this world worth fighting for... is and must continue to be, a good fight.

And while I am raising money for what is promising to be my best record yet - it's kind of an evaluation.  Do people care enough to support and donate?  Do they believe in me enough to say that I'm worth the time and money.  It's a next step in the process and I remind myself it doesn't necessarily reflect how people value you, money is just one value system in our society.  But hey. It can't hurt. So I put myself out there. Day after day, hoping for, what everyone hopes for: the universe to listen.